37

37 bridges to cross

Doors to unlock

Crosses to bear

Tickets to ride

37 reasons to quit but stay

37 times I wanted to run away

37 flavours I have tried

37 years I let slide

37 places I could be

People I could meet

Things I could improve

Books that I could write

37 reasons to escape

And places to hide

But reasons to bear

Those dark feelings inside my head

37 years to smile but cry

37 years have passed me by…

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Depression

Let me tell you what depression feels like
It's a black hole sucking your happiness dry
It is darkness where there shoud be light
It is the feeling of dread and wanting to die

Sadness for not knowing how to live
or how to behave
and who to believe
it's feeling unloved and unwanted whatever they say
it is madness surrounded by pain

It's staring at the void
and let it in your brain
Swirl in a storm of self hatred and shame
believe you are nothing
and nothing is gained

It's disappearing into yourself
and falling deep into the abyss

it's a broken record of 'you are dead anyway
so why stay?'

depression is hell in my brain.

Places in my mind

Sometimes the places my mind wanders are hard to thread.

I feel blisters on my soles that I have to bear.

I feel the schorching sun melting my head

Because even happiness hurts when I laugh.

I feel the rain falling down my face

Mixing fears and tears, pleasure and pain.

I am chased by darkness and I cannot escape

Still I strive for the safety of a loved one’s embrace.

I stroll towards insanity

And play with dark memories

I try to escape the enemies

But they laugh for they know

That I am fighting on my own.

And when I get tired and all ends

Will it be sweet or sour

And wil it take the pain away

And when all is gone

And love is lost

And all is doomed 

What will I do…

A part of me died today

A part of me died today

that part where dreams are made

and illusions are held in golden cages

A part of me died today

buried with half-broken hopes

and cracked joys

and half-consumed ecstasies

and blown up soap bubbles

A part of me was gone today

and said farewell to promises

and spit on my shallow happiness

and left me here to cry and bleed
A part of me was gone today

and I’m afraid I will never recover
that part of me who should be assertive

and should be adult

and should make me feel better, not worse
that part of me called self-esteem…


(Drawing by Alice Fagiolo)

An English teacher’s thoughts

No matter how you much you know or think you know, there is always something extra to learn. 

Students are always teaching you things.

Students have different needs and you should always act accordingly.

When you think you have mastered a subject, there will always be a new challenge.

Never let students feel your insecurities. They will eat you alive. 

You are not perfect. 

You are NOT a dictionary. Don’t feel bad if you don’t know every single word students ask you. 

You will feel like the best teacher in the world. 

You will feel like the worst teacher in the world. 

Some students will love you unconditionally, and some will hate you just as much. 

Successful students will always remain special in your heart and so will the difficult ones. 

You will feel invincible one day and a total wreck the next. 

You won’t help them all but you’ll hope you’ve made a difference to some. 

English is awesome. 

Above all, have fun. 

Tired

Tired of this loneliness that nests in my heart

of these dark shadows that lurk all over my head

of my fuzzy brain

and my dark inner thoughts

just tired

of injustice and malice

of disagreements and fights

of blaming myself

of blaming others

of trying so hard when it leads to nothing

tired

of reaching out to emptiness

of smiling when it’s the case for weeping

of making mistakes and saying I’m sorry

tired

of being a mess of a human being

The thing is…

I’m just tired of everything.

 

Monalisa smile

As you look at the mirror do you wonder what is behind your Monalisa smile? 

Do you see yourself as a saint, or do you have erotic secrets you hide? 

What is behind that smirk? Is it contempt for your life? Do you fear what others may think and what you can’t deny? 

And behind those sad eyes in which the universe can be seen, what do you see?

Do you see yourself as the hero or the villain of your story?

Behind that smile, are your fears like mine and our anxieties alike? 

Behind those eyes, are you terrified of goodbyes? 

What are the truths and lies behind that ambiguous smile?

Are you up to face the world or hide?

Stay or run away? 

Break apart or break away? 

One day, Monalisa, one day your smile will give your secrets away.