Maturity

And with maturity comes a sense of unknowing what was known. A loss of sweetness and gain of sadness. A darkness that grows at each passing day, crawling under every crack made. You hope for joy, you get undone. You long for freedom where there is none. You crave for love that isn’t there, you feel the void of emptiness. You bare your soul for hopeless tenderness. You bare you body for desire and compassion. What is there but disappointment and despair.

What do you live for if not for death. 

The church door

The church door

Religion and I have a love/hate relationship, but I am fascinated with churches, particularly the Catholic ones. I can always find peace in them. It is a sacred place for me and a haven to my wounded soul. I view churches as healing places. I like the solitude. I love the architecture. Mostly, I like the fact that when you are there, you might be talking to God or Saints or Jesus, but the truth is that you are talking to yourself. It’s you and your soul finding solace in each other. Don’t ask me why I feel better talking to myself in a church than in any other place. I cannot explain it. I don’t care for reasonable explanations as well. What matters to me is that inside I can find peace.

The church in the picture is one that I used to go a lot to when I first started having panic attacks, and I left a lot of tears and sadness in there. But I always came out feeling stronger. Isn’t that what matters most in the end?

I am society

Be happy. Be thin. Be smart. Be successful. Go after your dreams. Be ambitious. Straight hair is in. You’re not blond? Dye your hair. Shave your legs! Shave everything! Study. Be the best. You are too trustful. Don’t trust men. Don’t trust women. Don’t trust people. Get straight As or life will be hard on you. Be a doctor. Be a lawyer. Be a business woman. Do not stay home. Home is for losers. Go out at night. Drink! Don’t drink! Wear something decent. That dress is too short. That dress is too long. Why so much makeup. Why aren’t you wearing makeup. Be thin! Be happy! Find a great job! Earn money! Don’t get married. You aren’t married yet? Oh, poor her, she got married. Oh, look at her, she’s still single at THAT age. Aren’t you the best yet? You went to THAT college? You are a failure. You are a loser. Why are you sad all the time? Why are you depressed? Get out of bed. Go live your life! Stop sleeping all day. You are disgrace. I had so many hopes and dreams for you. You are getting so fat. You are getting so thin. Those clothes look awful. Those clothes look great. You are a slut. Gosh, you are a prude. Be quiet. Fight! Hey, don’t give up. Why are you giving up? Life’s great! Come back here! Listen to me. I always know what’s best for you. You are just a girl. Gosh, you are already a grown woman, pull yourself together. Stop crying. Crying is for losers. Smile. BE FUCKING HAPPY. I’m Society and I always know what is best for you so you’d better listen to me. I am you.