Depression

Let me tell you what depression feels like
It's a black hole sucking your happiness dry
It is darkness where there shoud be light
It is the feeling of dread and wanting to die

Sadness for not knowing how to live
or how to behave
and who to believe
it's feeling unloved and unwanted whatever they say
it is madness surrounded by pain

It's staring at the void
and let it in your brain
Swirl in a storm of self hatred and shame
believe you are nothing
and nothing is gained

It's disappearing into yourself
and falling deep into the abyss

it's a broken record of 'you are dead anyway
so why stay?'

depression is hell in my brain.

Me

Me?

I am sure I knew who I was

Such a long time ago

I was not just a moving body

I was body and soul

Me? Yeah, there’s a mess in my head

But isn’t it something everyone has?

Who am I today

And where do I want to go

Where do I need to be

If no one tells me so

Me? I see a light at the end of the darkness

Voices that tell me to run while others ask me to stay

What should I do to please everyone

And where should I stay

Me… This foreign feeling drifting away

A dark fortress on heavy rain tempting faith

Me… I just want to be ok…

How sad

How very sad

When two hearts meet

To then collapse

It’s heartbreaking

To stare at one’s soul

And see yourself inside

While never being able

To make your souls collide

How very sad

To brush another’s heart

When it is not the right time

When each is already taken

Yet you can’t deny

That in a different time

If that heart could be yours

You would embrace it and

Call it valentine

Maturity

And with maturity comes a sense of unknowing what was known. A loss of sweetness and gain of sadness. A darkness that grows at each passing day, crawling under every crack made. You hope for joy, you get undone. You long for freedom where there is none. You crave for love that isn’t there, you feel the void of emptiness. You bare your soul for hopeless tenderness. You bare you body for desire and compassion. What is there but disappointment and despair.

What do you live for if not for death. 

Nothing 

​I’m nothing

I’ll never be anything but this pathetic mess of a human being, too needy, too sensitive, too fucked up. Honestly, I want to die. I think of it constantly. The funny thing about it is that even when thoughts of suicide go through my head, I can still smile at people, pretend, strike up a somewhat decent conversation. 

But I want to die. And then again, I don’t. 

I’m not well. I’m not sure if I ever was. I can’t remember. But I can remember bits and pieces of fun and laughter and happiness. I remember kindess.

But dear god, I feel so empty and alone. Self-destructive. Unwanted. Unloved. An utter failure. I have achieved nothing in my life. Nothing worth remembering. Never touched anyone’s lives. Made no difference at all. 

I’m not well. 

I need help. 

Reach out. 

Hold me. 

Tell me something nice.

No need for love, just understanding will suffice. 

Smile at me. 

Tell me I make a difference somehow, if just a little. That I’m not just a waste of space. 

Help. Help. I’m drowning. 

What am I good for

What am I good at

What is my place in the world

Why am I still here

And why do I still care. 

Please, lie

There is a river of tears around my self

Never ending darkness in a deep scary well

I breathe but am I alive

And how am I still here if I’m anything but fine

I have so many scars drew upon my soul

So many silent battles hardly ever won

So many dreams undone

I do not want to leave, though

No, not just yet

And yet… And yet it is hard

To take that leap of faith

To live another day

To stay…

It is hard if all you want to do is cry and hide

I’m not sure how much longer I can endure

So please hold me

Say I’m special

Say I’ needed, loved, wanted

Stop making me cry

Just for a second, lie

Then I’ll stay for just a little while.

Come with me 

Who am I

if not a body in a dirty mind

Who are you

If not the sin I need

against my skin

Lips against lips

I lick and bite and taste your kiss

I let my hands slip

and touch not just your body

but your whole being
I let you bite and nip

and run your fingers everywhere

I want

I want, I so want your hips

grinding against my own

Touching your sex with mine

Making me come
I open up to let you in

You push inside

You make me sing

I touch myself on your lips

My nipples hard 

My insides wet

And then your lips against my breasts

And that whisper oh so hot and 

oh so sweet

That make me moan my dirty needs
Don’t make me beg

Just make me come

Or make me beg as I come

For now I am yours

We have this moment

Don’t let it waste

Come
Open my tighs

Take me high

Come inside

Let me go wild
Make me moan

my dirty secrets

over and over and over 

Whisper that I am wanted

and needed 

and desired
Whisper so I know I am here

And love me till you set me free