Depression

Let me tell you what depression feels like
It's a black hole sucking your happiness dry
It is darkness where there shoud be light
It is the feeling of dread and wanting to die

Sadness for not knowing how to live
or how to behave
and who to believe
it's feeling unloved and unwanted whatever they say
it is madness surrounded by pain

It's staring at the void
and let it in your brain
Swirl in a storm of self hatred and shame
believe you are nothing
and nothing is gained

It's disappearing into yourself
and falling deep into the abyss

it's a broken record of 'you are dead anyway
so why stay?'

depression is hell in my brain.

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Nothing 

​I’m nothing

I’ll never be anything but this pathetic mess of a human being, too needy, too sensitive, too fucked up. Honestly, I want to die. I think of it constantly. The funny thing about it is that even when thoughts of suicide go through my head, I can still smile at people, pretend, strike up a somewhat decent conversation. 

But I want to die. And then again, I don’t. 

I’m not well. I’m not sure if I ever was. I can’t remember. But I can remember bits and pieces of fun and laughter and happiness. I remember kindess.

But dear god, I feel so empty and alone. Self-destructive. Unwanted. Unloved. An utter failure. I have achieved nothing in my life. Nothing worth remembering. Never touched anyone’s lives. Made no difference at all. 

I’m not well. 

I need help. 

Reach out. 

Hold me. 

Tell me something nice.

No need for love, just understanding will suffice. 

Smile at me. 

Tell me I make a difference somehow, if just a little. That I’m not just a waste of space. 

Help. Help. I’m drowning. 

What am I good for

What am I good at

What is my place in the world

Why am I still here

And why do I still care. 

You boy

You with your smile which can light up my world and burn my insides at the same time. You with your cropped raven hair which begs for a touch and a tender caress. You with your full red lips which I so want to bite and kiss and feel against my own lips. You with that sharp tongue of yours which I imagine against my skin, my neck, my breasts… You with your dark tanned skin I long to feel against my own skin. You who turn my world upside down. You who are forbidden and yet allowed. You who treats me coldly and warm and hot and bothered. You, friend or foe. You who can never be mine. You who never really cared because why would you when I’m darkness and you are light, I’m empty but you are full of life, I’m pain and you are fine.

You boy… You are heaven and sin. You hurt so good against my skin. You boy who made me special for a few minutes… who lit up a path in my dying heart… who for a moment made it all less boring. You boy you keep on living while I return to myself and hide in my cave and watch you move on as I die one more day.

I am society

Be happy. Be thin. Be smart. Be successful. Go after your dreams. Be ambitious. Straight hair is in. You’re not blond? Dye your hair. Shave your legs! Shave everything! Study. Be the best. You are too trustful. Don’t trust men. Don’t trust women. Don’t trust people. Get straight As or life will be hard on you. Be a doctor. Be a lawyer. Be a business woman. Do not stay home. Home is for losers. Go out at night. Drink! Don’t drink! Wear something decent. That dress is too short. That dress is too long. Why so much makeup. Why aren’t you wearing makeup. Be thin! Be happy! Find a great job! Earn money! Don’t get married. You aren’t married yet? Oh, poor her, she got married. Oh, look at her, she’s still single at THAT age. Aren’t you the best yet? You went to THAT college? You are a failure. You are a loser. Why are you sad all the time? Why are you depressed? Get out of bed. Go live your life! Stop sleeping all day. You are disgrace. I had so many hopes and dreams for you. You are getting so fat. You are getting so thin. Those clothes look awful. Those clothes look great. You are a slut. Gosh, you are a prude. Be quiet. Fight! Hey, don’t give up. Why are you giving up? Life’s great! Come back here! Listen to me. I always know what’s best for you. You are just a girl. Gosh, you are already a grown woman, pull yourself together. Stop crying. Crying is for losers. Smile. BE FUCKING HAPPY. I’m Society and I always know what is best for you so you’d better listen to me. I am you.