I’ll never be anything but this pathetic mess of a human being, too needy, too sensitive, too fucked up. Honestly, I want to die. I think of it constantly. The funny thing about it is that even when thoughts of suicide go through my head, I can still smile at people, pretend, strike up a somewhat decent conversation.
But I want to die. And then again, I don’t.
I’m not well. I’m not sure if I ever was. I can’t remember. But I can remember bits and pieces of fun and laughter and happiness. I remember kindess.
But dear god, I feel so empty and alone. Self-destructive. Unwanted. Unloved. An utter failure. I have achieved nothing in my life. Nothing worth remembering. Never touched anyone’s lives. Made no difference at all.
I’m not well.
I need help.
Tell me something nice.
No need for love, just understanding will suffice.
Smile at me.
Tell me I make a difference somehow, if just a little. That I’m not just a waste of space.
Help. Help. I’m drowning.
What am I good for
What am I good at
What is my place in the world
Why am I still here
And why do I still care.
You with your smile which can light up my world and burn my insides at the same time. You with your cropped raven hair which begs for a touch and a tender caress. You with your full red lips which I so want to bite and kiss and feel against my own lips. You with that sharp tongue of yours which I imagine against my skin, my neck, my breasts… You with your dark tanned skin I long to feel against my own skin. You who turn my world upside down. You who are forbidden and yet allowed. You who treats me coldly and warm and hot and bothered. You, friend or foe. You who can never be mine. You who never really cared because why would you when I’m darkness and you are light, I’m empty but you are full of life, I’m pain and you are fine.
You boy… You are heaven and sin. You hurt so good against my skin. You boy who made me special for a few minutes… who lit up a path in my dying heart… who for a moment made it all less boring. You boy you keep on living while I return to myself and hide in my cave and watch you move on as I die one more day.
Be happy. Be thin. Be smart. Be successful. Go after your dreams. Be ambitious. Straight hair is in. You’re not blond? Dye your hair. Shave your legs! Shave everything! Study. Be the best. You are too trustful. Don’t trust men. Don’t trust women. Don’t trust people. Get straight As or life will be hard on you. Be a doctor. Be a lawyer. Be a business woman. Do not stay home. Home is for losers. Go out at night. Drink! Don’t drink! Wear something decent. That dress is too short. That dress is too long. Why so much makeup. Why aren’t you wearing makeup. Be thin! Be happy! Find a great job! Earn money! Don’t get married. You aren’t married yet? Oh, poor her, she got married. Oh, look at her, she’s still single at THAT age. Aren’t you the best yet? You went to THAT college? You are a failure. You are a loser. Why are you sad all the time? Why are you depressed? Get out of bed. Go live your life! Stop sleeping all day. You are disgrace. I had so many hopes and dreams for you. You are getting so fat. You are getting so thin. Those clothes look awful. Those clothes look great. You are a slut. Gosh, you are a prude. Be quiet. Fight! Hey, don’t give up. Why are you giving up? Life’s great! Come back here! Listen to me. I always know what’s best for you. You are just a girl. Gosh, you are already a grown woman, pull yourself together. Stop crying. Crying is for losers. Smile. BE FUCKING HAPPY. I’m Society and I always know what is best for you so you’d better listen to me. I am you.