37

37 bridges to cross

Doors to unlock

Crosses to bear

Tickets to ride

37 reasons to quit but stay

37 times I wanted to run away

37 flavours I have tried

37 years I let slide

37 places I could be

People I could meet

Things I could improve

Books that I could write

37 reasons to escape

And places to hide

But reasons to bear

Those dark feelings inside my head

37 years to smile but cry

37 years have passed me by…

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Depression

Let me tell you what depression feels like
It's a black hole sucking your happiness dry
It is darkness where there shoud be light
It is the feeling of dread and wanting to die

Sadness for not knowing how to live
or how to behave
and who to believe
it's feeling unloved and unwanted whatever they say
it is madness surrounded by pain

It's staring at the void
and let it in your brain
Swirl in a storm of self hatred and shame
believe you are nothing
and nothing is gained

It's disappearing into yourself
and falling deep into the abyss

it's a broken record of 'you are dead anyway
so why stay?'

depression is hell in my brain.

Maturity

And with maturity comes a sense of unknowing what was known. A loss of sweetness and gain of sadness. A darkness that grows at each passing day, crawling under every crack made. You hope for joy, you get undone. You long for freedom where there is none. You crave for love that isn’t there, you feel the void of emptiness. You bare your soul for hopeless tenderness. You bare you body for desire and compassion. What is there but disappointment and despair.

What do you live for if not for death. 

Nothing 

​I’m nothing

I’ll never be anything but this pathetic mess of a human being, too needy, too sensitive, too fucked up. Honestly, I want to die. I think of it constantly. The funny thing about it is that even when thoughts of suicide go through my head, I can still smile at people, pretend, strike up a somewhat decent conversation. 

But I want to die. And then again, I don’t. 

I’m not well. I’m not sure if I ever was. I can’t remember. But I can remember bits and pieces of fun and laughter and happiness. I remember kindess.

But dear god, I feel so empty and alone. Self-destructive. Unwanted. Unloved. An utter failure. I have achieved nothing in my life. Nothing worth remembering. Never touched anyone’s lives. Made no difference at all. 

I’m not well. 

I need help. 

Reach out. 

Hold me. 

Tell me something nice.

No need for love, just understanding will suffice. 

Smile at me. 

Tell me I make a difference somehow, if just a little. That I’m not just a waste of space. 

Help. Help. I’m drowning. 

What am I good for

What am I good at

What is my place in the world

Why am I still here

And why do I still care. 

Please, lie

There is a river of tears around my self

Never ending darkness in a deep scary well

I breathe but am I alive

And how am I still here if I’m anything but fine

I have so many scars drew upon my soul

So many silent battles hardly ever won

So many dreams undone

I do not want to leave, though

No, not just yet

And yet… And yet it is hard

To take that leap of faith

To live another day

To stay…

It is hard if all you want to do is cry and hide

I’m not sure how much longer I can endure

So please hold me

Say I’m special

Say I’ needed, loved, wanted

Stop making me cry

Just for a second, lie

Then I’ll stay for just a little while.

Let’s suppose

Let’s suppose I am fire and you are Earth

I am water following you as you go

I am dirt wherever my mind wanders

Chemistry when I think I am element

Physics when it all blows

I am everything and nothing

But let’s suppose I am everything

As I barge into your heart

And fill the cracks within

Let’s suppose I am nothing

As you walk by you go through me

I am a ghost

An annoyance

Hope and wonder

Everything and nothing

Everywhere and nowhere

I am History playing with time

And time playing with hearts

I am Literature, I am wine

Drink me, pour me as you see fit

I am blood

I am bleeding

Let’s suppose I am what I should have been

But nothing is what it means

My heart is just clay, shaped by love and hurt

I am sick

But let’s suppose just for a moment

That all is what it should be

And all is me

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The seven chapels sanctuary

Thank the heavens for blessed places where you can go to recharge your strength and inner peace. The Seven Chapels Sanctuary is one of those places for me. It is located in Ribeirão Preto, Brazil, at Morro de São Bento. The chapels are disposed in a semi-circle surrounded by rocks, and each bares the name of a saint. The first was built in 1948 and the last in 1955. They were envisioned by monks and built by locals. It is a great place to go even if you’re not Catholic if only for the pleasant atmosphere.

I always take pictures when I go there, so here are a few. The app used was photolab.