37 bridges to cross
Doors to unlock
Crosses to bear
Tickets to ride
37 reasons to quit but stay
37 times I wanted to run away
37 flavours I have tried
37 years I let slide
37 places I could be
People I could meet
Things I could improve
Books that I could write
37 reasons to escape
And places to hide
But reasons to bear
Those dark feelings inside my head
37 years to smile but cry
37 years have passed me by…
Let me tell you what depression feels like
It's a black hole sucking your happiness dry
It is darkness where there shoud be light
It is the feeling of dread and wanting to die
Sadness for not knowing how to live
or how to behave
and who to believe
it's feeling unloved and unwanted whatever they say
it is madness surrounded by pain
It's staring at the void
and let it in your brain
Swirl in a storm of self hatred and shame
believe you are nothing
and nothing is gained
It's disappearing into yourself
and falling deep into the abyss
it's a broken record of 'you are dead anyway
so why stay?'
depression is hell in my brain.
And with maturity comes a sense of unknowing what was known. A loss of sweetness and gain of sadness. A darkness that grows at each passing day, crawling under every crack made. You hope for joy, you get undone. You long for freedom where there is none. You crave for love that isn’t there, you feel the void of emptiness. You bare your soul for hopeless tenderness. You bare you body for desire and compassion. What is there but disappointment and despair.
What do you live for if not for death.
I’ll never be anything but this pathetic mess of a human being, too needy, too sensitive, too fucked up. Honestly, I want to die. I think of it constantly. The funny thing about it is that even when thoughts of suicide go through my head, I can still smile at people, pretend, strike up a somewhat decent conversation.
But I want to die. And then again, I don’t.
I’m not well. I’m not sure if I ever was. I can’t remember. But I can remember bits and pieces of fun and laughter and happiness. I remember kindess.
But dear god, I feel so empty and alone. Self-destructive. Unwanted. Unloved. An utter failure. I have achieved nothing in my life. Nothing worth remembering. Never touched anyone’s lives. Made no difference at all.
I’m not well.
I need help.
Tell me something nice.
No need for love, just understanding will suffice.
Smile at me.
Tell me I make a difference somehow, if just a little. That I’m not just a waste of space.
Help. Help. I’m drowning.
What am I good for
What am I good at
What is my place in the world
Why am I still here
And why do I still care.
There is a river of tears around my self
Never ending darkness in a deep scary well
I breathe but am I alive
And how am I still here if I’m anything but fine
I have so many scars drew upon my soul
So many silent battles hardly ever won
So many dreams undone
I do not want to leave, though
No, not just yet
And yet… And yet it is hard
To take that leap of faith
To live another day
It is hard if all you want to do is cry and hide
I’m not sure how much longer I can endure
So please hold me
Say I’m special
Say I’ needed, loved, wanted
Stop making me cry
Just for a second, lie
Then I’ll stay for just a little while.
Let’s suppose I am fire and you are Earth
I am water following you as you go
I am dirt wherever my mind wanders
Chemistry when I think I am element
Physics when it all blows
I am everything and nothing
But let’s suppose I am everything
As I barge into your heart
And fill the cracks within
Let’s suppose I am nothing
As you walk by you go through me
I am a ghost
Hope and wonder
Everything and nothing
Everywhere and nowhere
I am History playing with time
And time playing with hearts
I am Literature, I am wine
Drink me, pour me as you see fit
I am blood
I am bleeding
Let’s suppose I am what I should have been
But nothing is what it means
My heart is just clay, shaped by love and hurt
I am sick
But let’s suppose just for a moment
That all is what it should be
And all is me