Sometimes the places my mind wanders are hard to thread.
I feel blisters on my soles that I have to bear.
I feel the schorching sun melting my head
Because even happiness hurts when I laugh.
I feel the rain falling down my face
Mixing fears and tears, pleasure and pain.
I am chased by darkness and I cannot escape
Still I strive for the safety of a loved one’s embrace.
I stroll towards insanity
And play with dark memories
I try to escape the enemies
But they laugh for they know
That I am fighting on my own.
And when I get tired and all ends
Will it be sweet or sour
And wil it take the pain away
And when all is gone
And love is lost
And all is doomed
What will I do…
And with maturity comes a sense of unknowing what was known. A loss of sweetness and gain of sadness. A darkness that grows at each passing day, crawling under every crack made. You hope for joy, you get undone. You long for freedom where there is none. You crave for love that isn’t there, you feel the void of emptiness. You bare your soul for hopeless tenderness. You bare you body for desire and compassion. What is there but disappointment and despair.
What do you live for if not for death.
There is a river of tears around my self
Never ending darkness in a deep scary well
I breathe but am I alive
And how am I still here if I’m anything but fine
I have so many scars draw upon my soul
So many silent battles hardly ever won
So many dreams undone
I do not want to leave, though
No, not just yet
And yet… And yet it is hard
To take that leap of faith
To live another day
It is hard if all you want to do is cry and hide
I’m sure how much longer I can endure
So please hold me
Say I’m special
Say I’ needed, loved, wanted
Stop making me cry
Just for a second, lie
Then I’ll stay for just a little while.
A part of me died today
that part where dreams are made
and illusions are held in golden cages
A part of me died today
buried with half-broken hopes
and cracked joys
and half-consumed ecstasies
and blown up soap bubbles
A part of me was gone today
and said farewell to promises
and spit on my shallow happiness
and left me here to cry and bleed
A part of me was gone today
and I’m afraid I will never recover
that part of me who should be assertive
and should be adult
and should make me feel better, not worse
that part of me called self-esteem…
(Drawing by Alice Fagiolo)
Tired of this loneliness that nests in my heart
of these dark shadows that lurk all over my head
of my fuzzy brain
and my dark inner thoughts
of injustice and malice
of disagreements and fights
of blaming myself
of blaming others
of trying so hard when it leads to nothing
of reaching out to emptiness
of smiling when it’s the case for weeping
of making mistakes and saying I’m sorry
of being a mess of a human being
The thing is…
I’m just tired of everything.
(Painting by Margaret Keane)
You with your smile which can light up my world and burn my insides at the same time. You with your cropped raven hair which begs for a touch and a tender caress. You with your full red lips which I so want to bite and kiss and feel against my own lips. You with that sharp tongue of yours which I imagine against my skin, my neck, my breasts… You with your dark tanned skin I long to feel against my own skin. You who turn my world upside down. You who are forbidden and yet allowed. You who treats me coldly and warm and hot and bothered. You, friend or foe. You who can never be mine. You who never really cared because why would you when I’m darkness and you are light, I’m empty but you are full of life, I’m pain and you are fine.
You boy… You are heaven and sin. You hurt so good against my skin. You boy who made me special for a few minutes… who lit up a path in my dying heart… who for a moment made it all less boring. You boy you keep on living while I return to myself and hide in my cave and watch you move on as I die one more day.
So long, sun, and with you another day wasted on sadness and maddening thoughts.
So long to scorching desires buried in properness and religious guilt.
So long to you leaving work after a tiresome day only to be welcomed by more troubles at home.
So long farewell friends who always plan on meeting but never do because of life, and love, and lost and emptiness.
So long nation and social networks that have become nations and shout for freedom and drop bombs while preaching for peace.
So long, so long…
Hello, moon, with your mysterious airs and lovers’ enchantments.
Hello creatures of the night coming out hungry for food and love and fuck.
Hello there stars in the sky and nightclubs drinking to the oblivion of such a wonderful life.
Hello couples and friends of couples and double-dates and triple-dates full of laughter and colourful drinks named specifically to make you yearn for that special night where everything is allowed but nothing is truly permitted.
Hello envy and jealousy after that fun night at the bar spent in funny gossip but bitter comments and poisonous points of views.
Hello there solitary man and woman hating everyone while wanting everyone.
Hello break of dawn.
So long, moon.
Good morning, sun, lazily rising to warm our lonely rancid hearts. And thank you for trying.