Depression

Let me tell you what depression feels like
It's a black hole sucking your happiness dry
It is darkness where there shoud be light
It is the feeling of dread and wanting to die

Sadness for not knowing how to live
or how to behave
and who to believe
it's feeling unloved and unwanted whatever they say
it is madness surrounded by pain

It's staring at the void
and let it in your brain
Swirl in a storm of self hatred and shame
believe you are nothing
and nothing is gained

It's disappearing into yourself
and falling deep into the abyss

it's a broken record of 'you are dead anyway
so why stay?'

depression is hell in my brain.

Me

Me?

I am sure I knew who I was

Such a long time ago

I was not just a moving body

I was body and soul

Me? Yeah, there’s a mess in my head

But isn’t it something everyone has?

Who am I today

And where do I want to go

Where do I need to be

If no one tells me so

Me? I see a light at the end of the darkness

Voices that tell me to run while others ask me to stay

What should I do to please everyone

And where should I stay

Me… This foreign feeling drifting away

A dark fortress on heavy rain tempting faith

Me… I just want to be ok…

Places in my mind

Sometimes the places my mind wanders are hard to thread.

I feel blisters on my soles that I have to bear.

I feel the schorching sun melting my head

Because even happiness hurts when I laugh.

I feel the rain falling down my face

Mixing fears and tears, pleasure and pain.

I am chased by darkness and I cannot escape

Still I strive for the safety of a loved one’s embrace.

I stroll towards insanity

And play with dark memories

I try to escape the enemies

But they laugh for they know

That I am fighting on my own.

And when I get tired and all ends

Will it be sweet or sour

And wil it take the pain away

And when all is gone

And love is lost

And all is doomed 

What will I do…

Maturity

And with maturity comes a sense of unknowing what was known. A loss of sweetness and gain of sadness. A darkness that grows at each passing day, crawling under every crack made. You hope for joy, you get undone. You long for freedom where there is none. You crave for love that isn’t there, you feel the void of emptiness. You bare your soul for hopeless tenderness. You bare you body for desire and compassion. What is there but disappointment and despair.

What do you live for if not for death. 

Please, lie

There is a river of tears around my self

Never ending darkness in a deep scary well

I breathe but am I alive

And how am I still here if I’m anything but fine

I have so many scars drew upon my soul

So many silent battles hardly ever won

So many dreams undone

I do not want to leave, though

No, not just yet

And yet… And yet it is hard

To take that leap of faith

To live another day

To stay…

It is hard if all you want to do is cry and hide

I’m not sure how much longer I can endure

So please hold me

Say I’m special

Say I’ needed, loved, wanted

Stop making me cry

Just for a second, lie

Then I’ll stay for just a little while.

A part of me died today

A part of me died today

that part where dreams are made

and illusions are held in golden cages

A part of me died today

buried with half-broken hopes

and cracked joys

and half-consumed ecstasies

and blown up soap bubbles

A part of me was gone today

and said farewell to promises

and spit on my shallow happiness

and left me here to cry and bleed
A part of me was gone today

and I’m afraid I will never recover
that part of me who should be assertive

and should be adult

and should make me feel better, not worse
that part of me called self-esteem…


(Drawing by Alice Fagiolo)

Tired

Tired of this loneliness that nests in my heart

of these dark shadows that lurk all over my head

of my fuzzy brain

and my dark inner thoughts

just tired

of injustice and malice

of disagreements and fights

of blaming myself

of blaming others

of trying so hard when it leads to nothing

tired

of reaching out to emptiness

of smiling when it’s the case for weeping

of making mistakes and saying I’m sorry

tired

of being a mess of a human being

The thing is…

I’m just tired of everything.