I’ll never be anything but this pathetic mess of a human being, too needy, too sensitive, too fucked up. Honestly, I want to die. I think of it constantly. The funny thing about it is that even when thoughts of suicide go through my head, I can still smile at people, pretend, strike up a somewhat decent conversation.
But I want to die. And then again, I don’t.
I’m not well. I’m not sure if I ever was. I can’t remember. But I can remember bits and pieces of fun and laughter and happiness. I remember kindess.
But dear god, I feel so empty and alone. Self-destructive. Unwanted. Unloved. An utter failure. I have achieved nothing in my life. Nothing worth remembering. Never touched anyone’s lives. Made no difference at all.
I’m not well.
I need help.
Tell me something nice.
No need for love, just understanding will suffice.
Smile at me.
Tell me I make a difference somehow, if just a little. That I’m not just a waste of space.
Help. Help. I’m drowning.
What am I good for
What am I good at
What is my place in the world
Why am I still here
And why do I still care.
There is a river of tears around my self
Never ending darkness in a deep scary well
I breathe but am I alive
And how am I still here if I’m anything but fine
I have so many scars drew upon my soul
So many silent battles hardly ever won
So many dreams undone
I do not want to leave, though
No, not just yet
And yet… And yet it is hard
To take that leap of faith
To live another day
It is hard if all you want to do is cry and hide
I’m not sure how much longer I can endure
So please hold me
Say I’m special
Say I’ needed, loved, wanted
Stop making me cry
Just for a second, lie
Then I’ll stay for just a little while.
Who am I
if not a body in a dirty mind
Who are you
If not the sin I need
against my skin
Lips against lips
I lick and bite and taste your kiss
I let my hands slip
and touch not just your body
but your whole being
I let you bite and nip
and run your fingers everywhere
I want, I so want your hips
grinding against my own
Touching your sex with mine
Making me come
I open up to let you in
You push inside
You make me sing
I touch myself on your lips
My nipples hard
My insides wet
And then your lips against my breasts
And that whisper oh so hot and
oh so sweet
That makes me moan my dirty needs
Don’t make me beg
Just make me come
Or make me beg as I come
For now I am yours
We have this moment
Don’t let it waste
Open my tighs
Take me high
Let me go wild
Make me moan
my dirty secrets
over and over and over
Whisper that I am wanted
Whisper so I know I am here
And love me till you set me free
What is it that you truly want, my body, my soul, or both?
What is it that you need in me? Bits and pieces? Parts of my body?
And what am I because I don’t know anymore.
Friend, lover, a hole? Am I none of the above? Am I losing my soul?
And if it is so, then why don’t you let me go.
Why am I still here in this empty place waiting and wanting and needing bits and scraps of attention, stolen touches, scattered brushes…
Desire is a bitch.
(Photography by Alice Fagiolo)
Let’s suppose I am fire and you are Earth
I am water following you as you go
I am dirt wherever my mind wanders
Chemistry when I think I am element
Physics when it all blows
I am everything and nothing
But let’s suppose I am everything
As I barge into your heart
And fill the cracks within
Let’s suppose I am nothing
As you walk by you go through me
I am a ghost
Hope and wonder
Everything and nothing
Everywhere and nowhere
I am History playing with time
And time playing with hearts
I am Literature, I am wine
Drink me, pour me as you see fit
I am blood
I am bleeding
Let’s suppose I am what I should have been
But nothing is what it means
My heart is just clay, shaped by love and hurt
I am sick
But let’s suppose just for a moment
That all is what it should be
And all is me
A part of me died today
that part where dreams are made
and illusions are held in golden cages
A part of me died today
buried with half-broken hopes
and cracked joys
and half-consumed ecstasies
and blown up soap bubbles
A part of me was gone today
and said farewell to promises
and spit on my shallow happiness
and left me here to cry and bleed
A part of me was gone today
and I’m afraid I will never recover
that part of me who should be assertive
and should be adult
and should make me feel better, not worse
that part of me called self-esteem…
(Drawing by Alice Fagiolo)
No matter how you much you know or think you know, there is always something extra to learn.
Students are always teaching you things.
Students have different needs and you should always act accordingly.
When you think you have mastered a subject, there will always be a new challenge.
Never let students feel your insecurities. They will eat you alive.
You are not perfect.
You are NOT a dictionary. Don’t feel bad if you don’t know every single word students ask you.
You will feel like the best teacher in the world.
You will feel like the worst teacher in the world.
Some students will love you unconditionally, and some will hate you just as much.
Successful students will always remain special in your heart and so will the difficult ones.
You will feel invincible one day and a total wreck the next.
You won’t help them all but you’ll hope you’ve made a difference to some.
English is awesome.
Above all, have fun.