I’ll never be anything but this pathetic mess of a human being, too needy, too sensitive, too fucked up. Honestly, I want to die. I think of it constantly. The funny thing about it is that even when thoughts of suicide go through my head, I can still smile at people, pretend, strike up a somewhat decent conversation.
But I want to die. And then again, I don’t.
I’m not well. I’m not sure if I ever was. I can’t remember. But I can remember bits and pieces of fun and laughter and happiness. I remember kindess.
But dear god, I feel so empty and alone. Self-destructive. Unwanted. Unloved. An utter failure. I have achieved nothing in my life. Nothing worth remembering. Never touched anyone’s lives. Made no difference at all.
I’m not well.
I need help.
Tell me something nice.
No need for love, just understanding will suffice.
Smile at me.
Tell me I make a difference somehow, if just a little. That I’m not just a waste of space.
Help. Help. I’m drowning.
What am I good for
What am I good at
What is my place in the world
Why am I still here
And why do I still care.
Let’s suppose I am fire and you are Earth
I am water following you as you go
I am dirt wherever my mind wanders
Chemistry when I think I am element
Physics when it all blows
I am everything and nothing
But let’s suppose I am everything
As I barge into your heart
And fill the cracks within
Let’s suppose I am nothing
As you walk by you go through me
I am a ghost
Hope and wonder
Everything and nothing
Everywhere and nowhere
I am History playing with time
And time playing with hearts
I am Literature, I am wine
Drink me, pour me as you see fit
I am blood
I am bleeding
Let’s suppose I am what I should have been
But nothing is what it means
My heart is just clay, shaped by love and hurt
I am sick
But let’s suppose just for a moment
That all is what it should be
And all is me
A part of me died today
that part where dreams are made
and illusions are held in golden cages
A part of me died today
buried with half-broken hopes
and cracked joys
and half-consumed ecstasies
and blown up soap bubbles
A part of me was gone today
and said farewell to promises
and spit on my shallow happiness
and left me here to cry and bleed
A part of me was gone today
and I’m afraid I will never recover
that part of me who should be assertive
and should be adult
and should make me feel better, not worse
that part of me called self-esteem…
(Drawing by Alice Fagiolo)
No matter how you much you know or think you know, there is always something extra to learn.
Students are always teaching you things.
Students have different needs and you should always act accordingly.
When you think you have mastered a subject, there will always be a new challenge.
Never let students feel your insecurities. They will eat you alive.
You are not perfect.
You are NOT a dictionary. Don’t feel bad if you don’t know every single word students ask you.
You will feel like the best teacher in the world.
You will feel like the worst teacher in the world.
Some students will love you unconditionally, and some will hate you just as much.
Successful students will always remain special in your heart and so will the difficult ones.
You will feel invincible one day and a total wreck the next.
You won’t help them all but you’ll hope you’ve made a difference to some.
English is awesome.
Above all, have fun.
Once upon a time, there was a tiny little place which could hardly be seen from space. From afar it was beautifully blue. Once you came closer you could see lines cutting across lands, green pastures, deserts, dense forests, rivers and oceans. Then people began to appear. Tiny little creatures of different shapes and colors and sizes. The wonders never ceased. Those people could speak and think! They could build and create many wondrous things. However, as you got closer and closer, you realized that it was hard for them to co-exist.
While one place seemed peaceful and prosper, some were like that at the cost of another. While nature seemed to find its balance, human beings were never at ease. Surely they could evolve as they slowly were. Unfortunately, though, the desire for power still prevailed over any other. Compassion and collaboration were always at war against overwhelming individuality and competition. No, they were not essentially bad if taken into moderate doses. But oh boy did they have ammunition both to enlighten as well as deceive. They could design the world as they pleased. It could be for everyone’s avail, though most prefer to live in niches and therefore keep to themselves what they could give.
What is left to ponder is how long people will live destroying all they have created and what nature keeps giving them as precious gifts. I, for one thing, foresee a lot of disasters ahead. On the other hand, so many are willing to make this tiny planet work that there might be hope where greed is unfold.
Perhaps, who knows.
As you look at the mirror do you wonder what is behind your Monalisa smile?
Do you see yourself as a saint, or do you have erotic secrets you hide?
What is behind that smirk? Is it contempt for your life? Do you fear what others may think and what you can’t deny?
And behind those sad eyes in which the universe can be seen, what do you see?
Do you see yourself as the hero or the villain of your story?
Behind that smile, are your fears like mine and our anxieties alike?
Behind those eyes, are you terrified of goodbyes?
What are the truths and lies behind that ambiguous smile?
Are you up to face the world or hide?
Stay or run away?
Break apart or break away?
One day, Monalisa, one day your smile will give your secrets away.
So long, sun, and with you another day wasted on sadness and maddening thoughts.
So long to scorching desires buried in properness and religious guilt.
So long to you leaving work after a tiresome day only to be welcomed by more troubles at home.
So long farewell friends who always plan on meeting but never do because of life, and love, and lost and emptiness.
So long nation and social networks that have become nations and shout for freedom and drop bombs while preaching for peace.
So long, so long…
Hello, moon, with your mysterious airs and lovers’ enchantments.
Hello creatures of the night coming out hungry for food and love and fuck.
Hello there stars in the sky and nightclubs drinking to the oblivion of such a wonderful life.
Hello couples and friends of couples and double-dates and triple-dates full of laughter and colourful drinks named specifically to make you yearn for that special night where everything is allowed but nothing is truly permitted.
Hello envy and jealousy after that fun night at the bar spent in funny gossip but bitter comments and poisonous points of views.
Hello there solitary man and woman hating everyone while wanting everyone.
Hello break of dawn.
So long, moon.
Good morning, sun, lazily rising to warm our lonely rancid hearts. And thank you for trying.