Gone now

It is all gone now
The smile that touched my broken soul
The stolen touches that fired up the cold
The heart once revived when all seemed lost
The yearning I could not let go

But it is gone now
Slowly burnt till ashes turned, scattered painfully by a light breeze so the hurting would not cease

Gone
Without goodbyes
Without love
And leaving behind a bleeding heart

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37

37 bridges to cross

Doors to unlock

Crosses to bear

Tickets to ride

37 reasons to quit but stay

37 times I wanted to run away

37 flavours I have tried

37 years I let slide

37 places I could be

People I could meet

Things I could improve

Books that I could write

37 reasons to escape

And places to hide

But reasons to bear

Those dark feelings inside my head

37 years to smile but cry

37 years have passed me by…

Depression

Let me tell you what depression feels like
It's a black hole sucking your happiness dry
It is darkness where there shoud be light
It is the feeling of dread and wanting to die

Sadness for not knowing how to live
or how to behave
and who to believe
it's feeling unloved and unwanted whatever they say
it is madness surrounded by pain

It's staring at the void
and let it in your brain
Swirl in a storm of self hatred and shame
believe you are nothing
and nothing is gained

It's disappearing into yourself
and falling deep into the abyss

it's a broken record of 'you are dead anyway
so why stay?'

depression is hell in my brain.

Nothing 

​I’m nothing

I’ll never be anything but this pathetic mess of a human being, too needy, too sensitive, too fucked up. Honestly, I want to die. I think of it constantly. The funny thing about it is that even when thoughts of suicide go through my head, I can still smile at people, pretend, strike up a somewhat decent conversation. 

But I want to die. And then again, I don’t. 

I’m not well. I’m not sure if I ever was. I can’t remember. But I can remember bits and pieces of fun and laughter and happiness. I remember kindess.

But dear god, I feel so empty and alone. Self-destructive. Unwanted. Unloved. An utter failure. I have achieved nothing in my life. Nothing worth remembering. Never touched anyone’s lives. Made no difference at all. 

I’m not well. 

I need help. 

Reach out. 

Hold me. 

Tell me something nice.

No need for love, just understanding will suffice. 

Smile at me. 

Tell me I make a difference somehow, if just a little. That I’m not just a waste of space. 

Help. Help. I’m drowning. 

What am I good for

What am I good at

What is my place in the world

Why am I still here

And why do I still care. 

Let’s suppose

Let’s suppose I am fire and you are Earth

I am water following you as you go

I am dirt wherever my mind wanders

Chemistry when I think I am element

Physics when it all blows

I am everything and nothing

But let’s suppose I am everything

As I barge into your heart

And fill the cracks within

Let’s suppose I am nothing

As you walk by you go through me

I am a ghost

An annoyance

Hope and wonder

Everything and nothing

Everywhere and nowhere

I am History playing with time

And time playing with hearts

I am Literature, I am wine

Drink me, pour me as you see fit

I am blood

I am bleeding

Let’s suppose I am what I should have been

But nothing is what it means

My heart is just clay, shaped by love and hurt

I am sick

But let’s suppose just for a moment

That all is what it should be

And all is me

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A part of me died today

A part of me died today

that part where dreams are made

and illusions are held in golden cages

A part of me died today

buried with half-broken hopes

and cracked joys

and half-consumed ecstasies

and blown up soap bubbles

A part of me was gone today

and said farewell to promises

and spit on my shallow happiness

and left me here to cry and bleed
A part of me was gone today

and I’m afraid I will never recover
that part of me who should be assertive

and should be adult

and should make me feel better, not worse
that part of me called self-esteem…


(Drawing by Alice Fagiolo)

An English teacher’s thoughts

No matter how you much you know or think you know, there is always something extra to learn. 

Students are always teaching you things.

Students have different needs and you should always act accordingly.

When you think you have mastered a subject, there will always be a new challenge.

Never let students feel your insecurities. They will eat you alive. 

You are not perfect. 

You are NOT a dictionary. Don’t feel bad if you don’t know every single word students ask you. 

You will feel like the best teacher in the world. 

You will feel like the worst teacher in the world. 

Some students will love you unconditionally, and some will hate you just as much. 

Successful students will always remain special in your heart and so will the difficult ones. 

You will feel invincible one day and a total wreck the next. 

You won’t help them all but you’ll hope you’ve made a difference to some. 

English is awesome. 

Above all, have fun.