Nothing 

​I’m nothing

I’ll never be anything but this pathetic mess of a human being, too needy, too sensitive, too fucked up. Honestly, I want to die. I think of it constantly. The funny thing about it is that even when thoughts of suicide go through my head, I can still smile at people, pretend, strike up a somewhat decent conversation. 

But I want to die. And then again, I don’t. 

I’m not well. I’m not sure if I ever was. I can’t remember. But I can remember bits and pieces of fun and laughter and happiness. I remember kindess.

But dear god, I feel so empty and alone. Self-destructive. Unwanted. Unloved. An utter failure. I have achieved nothing in my life. Nothing worth remembering. Never touched anyone’s lives. Made no difference at all. 

I’m not well. 

I need help. 

Reach out. 

Hold me. 

Tell me something nice.

No need for love, just understanding will suffice. 

Smile at me. 

Tell me I make a difference somehow, if just a little. That I’m not just a waste of space. 

Help. Help. I’m drowning. 

What am I good for

What am I good at

What is my place in the world

Why am I still here

And why do I still care. 

Please, lie

There is a river of tears around my self

Never ending darkness in a deep scary well

I breathe but am I alive

And how am I still here if I’m anything but fine

I have so many scars draw upon my soul

So many silent battles hardly ever won

So many dreams undone

I do not want to leave, though

No, not just yet

And yet… And yet it is hard

To take that leap of faith

To live another day

To stay…

It is hard if all you want to do is cry and hide

I’m sure how much longer I can endure

So please hold me

Say I’m special

Say I’ needed, loved, wanted

Stop making me cry

Just for a second, lie

Then I’ll stay for just a little while.

 

Come with me 

Who am I

if not a body in a dirty mind

Who are you

If not the sin I need

against my skin

Lips against lips

I lick and bite and taste your kiss

I let my hands slip

and touch not just your body

but your whole being
I let you bite and nip

and run your fingers everywhere

I want

I want, I so want your hips

grinding against my own

Touching your sex with mine

Making me come
I open up to let you in

You push inside

You make me sing

I touch myself on your lips

My nipples hard 

My insides wet

And then your lips against my breasts

And that whisper oh so hot and 

oh so sweet

That make me moan my dirty needs
Don’t make me beg

Just make me come

Or make me beg as I come

For now I am yours

We have this moment

Don’t let it waste

Come
Open my tighs

Take me high

Come inside

Let me go wild
Make me moan

my dirty secrets

over and over and over 

Whisper that I am wanted

and needed 

and desired
Whisper so I know I am here

And love me till you set me free