Maturity

And with maturity comes a sense of unknowing what was known. A loss of sweetness and gain of sadness. A darkness that grows at each passing day, crawling under every crack made. You hope for joy, you get undone. You long for freedom where there is none. You crave for love that isn’t there, you feel the void of emptiness. You bare your soul for hopeless tenderness. You bare you body for desire and compassion. What is there but disappointment and despair.

What do you live for if not for death. 

Nothing 

​I’m nothing

I’ll never be anything but this pathetic mess of a human being, too needy, too sensitive, too fucked up. Honestly, I want to die. I think of it constantly. The funny thing about it is that even when thoughts of suicide go through my head, I can still smile at people, pretend, strike up a somewhat decent conversation. 

But I want to die. And then again, I don’t. 

I’m not well. I’m not sure if I ever was. I can’t remember. But I can remember bits and pieces of fun and laughter and happiness. I remember kindess.

But dear god, I feel so empty and alone. Self-destructive. Unwanted. Unloved. An utter failure. I have achieved nothing in my life. Nothing worth remembering. Never touched anyone’s lives. Made no difference at all. 

I’m not well. 

I need help. 

Reach out. 

Hold me. 

Tell me something nice.

No need for love, just understanding will suffice. 

Smile at me. 

Tell me I make a difference somehow, if just a little. That I’m not just a waste of space. 

Help. Help. I’m drowning. 

What am I good for

What am I good at

What is my place in the world

Why am I still here

And why do I still care. 

Please, lie

There is a river of tears around my self

Never ending darkness in a deep scary well

I breathe but am I alive

And how am I still here if I’m anything but fine

I have so many scars draw upon my soul

So many silent battles hardly ever won

So many dreams undone

I do not want to leave, though

No, not just yet

And yet… And yet it is hard

To take that leap of faith

To live another day

To stay…

It is hard if all you want to do is cry and hide

I’m sure how much longer I can endure

So please hold me

Say I’m special

Say I’ needed, loved, wanted

Stop making me cry

Just for a second, lie

Then I’ll stay for just a little while.

 

Come with me 

Who am I

if not a body in a dirty mind

Who are you

If not the sin I need

against my skin

Lips against lips

I lick and bite and taste your kiss

I let my hands slip

and touch not just your body

but your whole being
I let you bite and nip

and run your fingers everywhere

I want

I want, I so want your hips

grinding against my own

Touching your sex with mine

Making me come
I open up to let you in

You push inside

You make me sing

I touch myself on your lips

My nipples hard 

My insides wet

And then your lips against my breasts

And that whisper oh so hot and 

oh so sweet

That make me moan my dirty needs
Don’t make me beg

Just make me come

Or make me beg as I come

For now I am yours

We have this moment

Don’t let it waste

Come
Open my tighs

Take me high

Come inside

Let me go wild
Make me moan

my dirty secrets

over and over and over 

Whisper that I am wanted

and needed 

and desired
Whisper so I know I am here

And love me till you set me free

Desire is a b*tch

What is it that you truly want, my body, my soul, or both?

What is it that you need in me? Bits and pieces? Parts of my body? 

And what am I because I don’t know anymore.

Friend, lover, a hole? Am I none of the above? Am I losing my soul?

And if it is so, then why don’t you let me go.

Why am I still here in this empty place waiting and wanting and needing bits and scraps of attention, stolen touches, scatter brushes…

Desire is a bitch.

(Photography by Alice Fagiolo) 

Let’s suppose

Let’s suppose I am fire and you are Earth

I am water following you as you go

I am dirt wherever my mind wanders

Chemistry when I think I am element

Physics when it all blows

I am everything and nothing

But let’s suppose I am everything

As I barge into your heart

And fill the cracks within

Let’s suppose I am nothing

As you walk by you go through me

I am a ghost

An annoyance

Hope and wonder

Everything and nothing

Everywhere and nowhere

I am History playing with time

And time playing with hearts

I am Literature, I am wine

Drink me, pour me as you see fit

I am blood

I am bleeding

Let’s suppose I am what I should have been

But nothing is what it means

My heart is just clay, shaped by love and hurt

I am sick

But let’s suppose just for a moment

That all is what it should be

And all is me

img_1223

A part of me died today

A part of me died today

that part where dreams are made

and illusions are held in golden cages

A part of me died today

buried with half-broken hopes

and cracked joys

and half-consumed ecstasies

and blown up soap bubbles

A part of me was gone today

and said farewell to promises

and spit on my shallow happiness

and left me here to cry and bleed
A part of me was gone today

and I’m afraid I will never recover
that part of me who should be assertive

and should be adult

and should make me feel better, not worse
that part of me called self-esteem…


(Drawing by Alice Fagiolo)