37 bridges to cross
Doors to unlock
Crosses to bear
Tickets to ride
37 reasons to quit but stay
37 times I wanted to run away
37 flavours I have tried
37 years I let slide
37 places I could be
People I could meet
Things I could improve
Books that I could write
37 reasons to escape
And places to hide
But reasons to bear
Those dark feelings inside my head
37 years to smile but cry
37 years have passed me by…
Let me tell you what depression feels like
It's a black hole sucking your happiness dry
It is darkness where there shoud be light
It is the feeling of dread and wanting to die
Sadness for not knowing how to live
or how to behave
and who to believe
it's feeling unloved and unwanted whatever they say
it is madness surrounded by pain
It's staring at the void
and let it in your brain
Swirl in a storm of self hatred and shame
believe you are nothing
and nothing is gained
It's disappearing into yourself
and falling deep into the abyss
it's a broken record of 'you are dead anyway
so why stay?'
depression is hell in my brain.
I am sure I knew who I was
Such a long time ago
I was not just a moving body
I was body and soul
Me? Yeah, there’s a mess in my head
But isn’t it something everyone has?
Who am I today
And where do I want to go
Where do I need to be
If no one tells me so
Me? I see a light at the end of the darkness
Voices that tell me to run while others ask me to stay
What should I do to please everyone
And where should I stay
Me… This foreign feeling drifting away
A dark fortress on heavy rain tempting faith
Me… I just want to be ok…
How very sad
When two hearts meet
To then collapse
To stare at one’s soul
And see yourself inside
While never being able
To make your souls collide
How very sad
To brush another’s heart
When it is not the right time
When each is already taken
Yet you can’t deny
That in a different time
If that heart could be yours
You would embrace it and
Call it valentine
Sometimes the places my mind wanders are hard to thread.
I feel blisters on my soles that I have to bear.
I feel the schorching sun melting my head
Because even happiness hurts when I laugh.
I feel the rain falling down my face
Mixing fears and tears, pleasure and pain.
I am chased by darkness and I cannot escape
Still I strive for the safety of a loved one’s embrace.
I stroll towards insanity
And play with dark memories
I try to escape the enemies
But they laugh for they know
That I am fighting on my own.
And when I get tired and all ends
Will it be sweet or sour
And wil it take the pain away
And when all is gone
And love is lost
And all is doomed
What will I do…
And with maturity comes a sense of unknowing what was known. A loss of sweetness and gain of sadness. A darkness that grows at each passing day, crawling under every crack made. You hope for joy, you get undone. You long for freedom where there is none. You crave for love that isn’t there, you feel the void of emptiness. You bare your soul for hopeless tenderness. You bare you body for desire and compassion. What is there but disappointment and despair.
What do you live for if not for death.
I’ll never be anything but this pathetic mess of a human being, too needy, too sensitive, too fucked up. Honestly, I want to die. I think of it constantly. The funny thing about it is that even when thoughts of suicide go through my head, I can still smile at people, pretend, strike up a somewhat decent conversation.
But I want to die. And then again, I don’t.
I’m not well. I’m not sure if I ever was. I can’t remember. But I can remember bits and pieces of fun and laughter and happiness. I remember kindess.
But dear god, I feel so empty and alone. Self-destructive. Unwanted. Unloved. An utter failure. I have achieved nothing in my life. Nothing worth remembering. Never touched anyone’s lives. Made no difference at all.
I’m not well.
I need help.
Tell me something nice.
No need for love, just understanding will suffice.
Smile at me.
Tell me I make a difference somehow, if just a little. That I’m not just a waste of space.
Help. Help. I’m drowning.
What am I good for
What am I good at
What is my place in the world
Why am I still here
And why do I still care.